I Love You……Not!

Dear Diary,

I was going to throw you away but decided that writing my thoughts and feelings were the best thing for me. As you know, dear diary, I am engaged and living with a man. You also know he is not the man I am in love with.

It’s never easy loving someone who doesn’t love you back….the same way. I love you like that but you love me as a friend.

I love/loved someone years ago whom I can’t seem to get past. He was bad for me. He was in a bad place and never treated me the way I deserved. Now he is far away and I don’t need him yet there is a part of me that yearns…just a little. I don’t want him back!

However, I have been pouring my feelings out to the universe. I have been telling the universe that I need love, passion and so on……but has my telling to the universe brought on one of the biggest misunderstandings yet?

I have to be careful because I tend to appear as if I am interested  when I am not. I have had quite a few cases where men have thought I was interested in them and I wasn’t. What is it about me that causes people to misunderstand? I don’t consider myself a flirt….that’s a lie, I do flirt but I only flirt with people who also are flirts.

I have to be so careful that the stalking does not resume so I keep the flirting just within close circles. Yet, my sixth sense is telling me that someone I flirt with very often seem to think I am interested.  I have been keeping my distance but I keep getting this weird feeling that he thinks I have the hots for him.

Well diary, I wish I could say to this guy, “hey, I’m not interested in you. I say nice things because I am nice and I tease because I like you, nothing more.” But I can’t since I don’t have proof of his thoughts.

Then again,I am pissed that he would be sending me signals that say “back off, I love someone else”. That really pisses me off. If you think I am interested and you want me to back off just say so……so I can tell you you are wrong.

Now I have to be hinting that I am not interested so he could back off. Hypocrisy is poison to me and I hate pretending and that sense you get when someone is trying to tell you something other than what they are saying.

So here goes diary: If that guy was in front of me right now I would look him straight in the eye and say “Don’t flatter yourself, my heart is taken!”

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