Today I feel quite tired. I don’t know why. I think I am depressed. I need something I don’t have. I need passion. I need fulfillment I think I am okay but I know something is missing. I try not to think about it much but I am a passionate person. I have having to suppress myself because I want to please my spouse but I just don’t know how much more I can take.
Sometimes I feel like running away but I am scared, a little. I am scared that I may end up with someone who is worse than whom I am with now. You know the old adage, “jump out of frying pan into the fire”? Well, I know that it’s my fear of taking the risk that’s talking.
Diary, you know what I dream of? I dream of someone who is loving, fun romantic and passionate just like me. Someone who is connected with me on all levels. Someone who knows what I want and will do anything to make me happy.
What I have is close to that, except we don’t seem connected. He doesn’t read me, or get me. He seems dense at times, I just don’t understand. I know he loves me and will do anything to make me happy but he is not my soul mate. We don’t connect that way. What we have is not chemistry but fondness and pure love, which I may be able to live with if the sex was great, but it’s not. Can I spend the rest of my life never experiencing ecstasy again?
I guess I am spoiled when it comes to matters of the heart and body. I have been to “places” before, you know, intense. So this makes me feel like I have been left behind this trip. What happened? I know I made a choice but I thought it would get better, I really did. When I realized that this was not so happening, I though that the newness of the relationship was the problem. Usually for me, it doesn’t really get great until the third or fourth time with the person, but still after 3 years nothing, well there have been a few moments that were not so bad, but for the most part nothing.
Well diary, here I go again, writing too much but that’s what you are here for. Later I will try and write some more. Thank you diary.