Am I Lesbian?

I don’t think so but that doesn’t mean I don’t have lesbian tendencies or I couldn’t become one. I am not going to go into the whole issue of whether or not being gay is a choice because I don’t know and many of the time we straight people assume stuff we end up insulting others. Only someone who is homosexual can tell you whether or not it’s a choice, it’s biological or some other psycho babble straight people use to describe it.

I will tell you one thing I wouldn’t care if I were. It may have even saved some heart ache had I been. And, I certainly don’t care if I become. No one is questioning my sexuality but many people may be questioning theirs.

Throughout my life I have had several what I like to call “woman crushes”, where I either feel specially drawn to or somewhat attracted to another female. I have only doubted my sexuality once when I was around twenty four years old. I was involved with a sixty plus year old man…yeah someday I’ll tell you the real story. All I’ll tell you is, that’s the only time I have ever been with a man for money….soooo ashamed.

Back to the story!

I was the trophy girlfriend of a Sugar Daddy. This man was sort of impotent and the only sexual satisfaction was oral. There was no satisfaction on his part except to have me flaunted in front of his friends. He couldn’t get it up and I didn’t even try. One day we were on our way to the track and stopped to have a drink at one of his little hangouts. I let him out of the car and went to park so he had gone in ahead of me. As I entered the premises there was this young girl, maybe 19 or so, could be at most 21. She was coming out of the building wearing a tank top. Her breasts were very firm  and she wore no bra. For the first time in my life I felt sexual attraction for another female. It was brief and I could not tell you what she was wearing  or what she looked like. That moment haunted me for a while. It wasn’t until I met  someone else (a guy) that the feelings went away.

That was some twenty years ago.  I haven’t felt sexual attraction for another female since, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t “liked” another female to the point where it feels similar to crushing on a guy. There are several kinds of crushes that I’ve experienced. Some crushes are purely sexual, while others are emotional, intellectual and some are even spiritual. The female crushes I’ve had are more emotional where I feel an extra pull, similar to when you want to get close to a guy before you have sex with him. I don’t know if that makes sense. When you think about them you smile but you don’t fantasize. When you see them your heart warms but it’s not sexual.

Since that incident some twenty years ago there have been two females I crushed on. I feel dirty saying it…lol. But it’s true.

So does this make me Lesbian? I doubt that. Well, if it does, then too bad for you guys. Maybe I am bisexual…who knows. I have never been with a woman and I have no desire to so how do you explain these feelings?

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